What a tangled wwweb we weave...

Friday, July 15, 2005

no. i wont marry you, or anyone else.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! What the fuck???!!!!??!!!!! Everyone around me is getting engaged!
1. My cousin Amanda, 23, engaged.
2. My best friend Bridget, 23, engaged.
3. My roomate Amanda, 28, engaged.
Lets hope to god that the saying "everything happens in three's" stands true. I don't know if I could handle learning that another person in my life was engaged. Engaged to be married. married. what a fucking loaded concept.
Lets back up a little bit. I was engaged at one time, but no one knew. I know..... I loved this guy and we were both into theatre and had an awesome idea of what life might be, but we realized that we were not personally ready to commit our lives to another person, and we broke up. Smartest fucking thing I've ever done. I don't regret being engaged nor do I think that we were upholding the long standing cliche tradition of being young and stupid. Luckily we realized some of the requirements marriage demands and understood that we would not be able to succeed in meeting those demands that we had realized, let alone the ones we had not, at this point in our lives.
To be completely honest, I have never been too keen on the idea of getting married. My parents engaged in a hostile divorice full of deception, manipulation, pain, and carnage....I'm not kidding. I suppose this is why I become so defensive and sarcastic at the any sign of romance and love. From movies to music to real life. I hate it and I hate myself for hating it. Probably part of the reason I myself was engaged. I put myself into a situation that I never should have been in in the first place. A situation full of alcohol, serious psychological issues, and violence, AKA deception, manipulation, pain, and carnage.
Some good did come out of it. I now know that I had no idea what I was doing, and am therefore back to square one....what the hell is this marriage business? Is it the magazine with the beautiful white dresses, palaces dimly lit with candles, flowers, and other photos that taint you with ideas to make some fucking bullshit ceremony that lasts an hour and is worth $25,000(tax not included in this figure) the perfect moment? Cause currently in our society tradition and love seem far inferior to this idea of "the perfect moment" when your pronounced man and wife in front of all of your adoring family and friends who are looking at you, in the spotlight, "the most beautiful bride ever". You look out into the audience with pride, joy, and admiration only to see that your cousin is making out with her boyfriend in the back, while aunty Kim is sleeping in the second pew, and your mother is searching for something in her purse, all while you are supposed to be sharing the "biggest fucking moment of your life", something you've been planning since you were like 5 years old and will be paying for until the day you fucking die, suddenly realizing that nobody really fucking cares except for you, and if you're a really fucking lucky bitch, maybe your husband, this man who your chained to for the rest of your fucking life, as you pull away from the kiss, are pronounced man and wife, walk down the aisle while everyone else is thanking god that the ceremony is over because they are fucking starving and super pumped about the open bar that you spent $10,000 on. And then uncle Harry gets fucking wasted at the reception (another $25,000) , grabs your ass by the bathroom, leaving greasy fingerprints from the "gormet" chicken that was drier than your grandmothers cunt after your grandfather passed away 5 years ago and couldn't be there to see his little granddaughter "all grown up", in her fucking $7,000 wedding dress doing the bunny hop and the hokey pokey (even though you specifically asked the DJ who you paid $2,000 an hour for because your mom swore that she heard he was the best, not to play that kind of shit) and dancing next to some smelly sweaty drunk mother fucker whose supposed to be a friend of your dad's who you've never even met before, and who keeps stepping on your dress that you'll NEVER EVER wear EVER EVER EVER AGAIN, and thats way too fucking tight anyway. And even though you might entertain the thought that in that wonderful and perfect happy family that you and your devoted husband have (as you catch him checking out your cousin's ass next to the bar), perhaps when the day comes for your daughter, she'll honor you by wearing your $7,000 dress with uncle Harrys greasy fingerprints. Guess what, she's gonna want a whole new fucking $7,000 dress of her own. But thats okay, because you and your little family are going to be happy and perfect and supportive because you and your husband are different than everyone else. Your gonna make it. Millions of other motherfuckers out there have tried and tried and ended up in divorce, some people build up a fucking portfolio of 2, 3, and even four divorces, but you two, you're different. You have what it takes. You love each other. And hey, even the preacher said it during the ceremony, which only you were paying attention to whether you want to admit it or not, love conquers all. You don't know what happend to all of those other millions of people, but you two have love.....you think.....no, no, your sure. Love conquers all....and your new husband is checking out your cousin's ass again, but its probably just the alcohol, right?
Marriage is whatever you want it to be. That's what people forget. Because society is busy telling us that it's supposed to be 'this' or it's supposed to be 'that.' But really - you have to remember that there are no rules, really. It can be a marriage, a domestic partnership, common-law, whatever. Unfortunately, here in the US, because of our right-wing piece of crap government, they don't observe anything really but the 'official' marriage between a man and a women. I think that's bullshit - but that's a whole other blog.

But really, marriage and getting married can be whatever you want it to be. You can read all of these books about 'tradition' and 'what the bride's supposed to do', but it's also a bunch of crap. I know this couple that eloped - then had a family celebration a year later with their families with fajitas and margaritas, 'cause that's what they liked. It's doesn't have to be a yucky Cornish game hen and the bride doesn't have to be dressed in white. Once they're married, it can mean whatever they want it to mean. And not every couple lives happily ever after together, but that doesn't mean that they did go into it with the best of intentions. It's a bumpy road always - and how you handle the bumps is probably the biggest challenge.

At least... that's what my friend tells me.
i know all this. deep down i know. i just enjoy being really pessimistic, sarcastic, and deeply negative about the whole thing cuz its kinda fun. it keeps me on track with my life too, so i dont get sidetracked in love and romance....
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