What a tangled wwweb we weave...

Thursday, July 21, 2005


This is a true story of 6 strangers passing by chance in the New York City subway system. Otherwise known as the REAL real world. They all lightened my heart in their own special way, so I thought I'd share. And they all happened on THE SAME subway ride:

Encounter 1: The car is silent. Well, as silent as the subway car gets. No one is talking, the doors open, a man who obviously thinks he's Genuwine or someone very similar walks in. He's wearing his iPod. He leans against the door. We all cohabitate in sweet silence for a few seconds before....."Oooh yeah. Baby girl, you know I love ya'. Let me stroke that booty real nice..." or something to that effect. You know what I'm talking about, right? But seriously, at the top of his lungs. In that oblivious way that we do sometimes when we don't realize how quiet our surroundings are, but 3x the volume of that. After a minute or so of this...("I wanna lick that sweet sweet love off yo' salty body, baby.") I realize he's been staring at this sweet little dark skinned girl while he's singing this stuff. I start to feel uncomfortable for her when all of a sudden..."It'll only hurt for a second. Then you'll be cryin' out for moooOOOOOore, suga'.", she starts singing along with him! Both at the top of their lungs. And it doesn't sound good at all! Imagine 2 of the finalists from the WB Superstar, but a capella. This goes on for several minutes..."oooh no no no no no yeaAAAAAAh. Don't nobody have ta know, 'less you wanna tape it? And show yo momma woohooOOOOOOoooo". Then the doors open, she gets out with absolutely no acknowledgement of what just happened from either party. The rest of the car, however is either mouth agape staring at her as she leaves, or pissing themselves with laughter.

Encounter 2: The doors open and in walks a very sweet, slightly frail, very conservatively dressed and soft spoken old-ish woman. Possibly from Iowa, or Kansas. Also enters a couple, that very likely might have been a pimp and ‘ho. He’s all decked out, gold chains, gold teeth, no cane, though, and she’s all tarted up, and they seem to be in the midst of a bit of a tiff. The old lady is holding on to the same pole as the pimp. She is kind of staring at him, then she leans in and reaches toward him. The following interaction ensues:

Old Lady: Excuse me?
Pimp: (no response)
Old Lady: Excuse me?
Pimp: (acknowledges he’s being spoken to, silently)
Old Lady: (grabbing one of the chains, one with a large medallion hanging from it) Can I take a look at your necklace?
Pimp: (allows this, silently)
'Ho: (looks nervous)
Old Lady: (in wonderment) What is this?
Pimp: It’s Jesus.
Old Lady: (examining further) And are these angels?
Pimp: Yeah.
Old Lady: (as earnestly as anything she’s said in her entire life) It’s beautiful.
Pimp: Thanks.

No more words were shared between these 2.

Encounter 3: (Again, in the vein of obliviously shouting with your iPod in):

This time I’m leaving the subway, walking down the platform and there’s a very large woman singing along with Michael Jackson. “I want to love yoooOOOUUuu, B.I.D….” And I think…B.I.D.?… And again…”I want to luuUUUve you, B.I.D.” and now it’s kind of funny, because she’s yelling. And yelling “B.I.D.” no less, which is obviously wrong. And if she would just pay attention to what she’s about to sing right after that, she might get it. But she doesn’t. So we’re walking along some more, thru the turnstiles…”B.I.D.!” This time a very large woman behind her says “P.Y.T.”, which she doesn’t hear, of course. And goes on,… “B.I.D.”, now the woman kind of yells at her “P.Y.T.!!” Which she does turn around at, but does not process as she’s in her own little MJ world, completely oblivious to the fact that she’s singing a song called “PRETTY YOUNG THING” FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!! So we are heading up the stairs and she lets it rip again… “B.I.D.!!!” to which the woman behind her slaps her upside the head and yells “P.Y.T.!!!!!” I now run out of the station because, while I know how badly I want to see how this ends, I know that I will end up laughing my ass off, and likely will get beat down by 2 very large women. I do wonder….

Just thought I’d share all the excitement that can happen just riding 5 stops on MTS!!
How can you not sing back when such beautiful words are being used to seranade you?

"It'll only hurt for a second. Then you'll be cryin' out for moooOOOOOore, suga'."

Sigh...I didn't know Jude Law rode the subway.
that was one of the fucking funniest things i've ever heard...B.I.D.!!!! thanks for that, i needed that laugh, desperately.
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